The Lucky Strikes’ cue to leave Valtherus was a government announcement declaring a state of emergency. The xenomorphs unleashed in the theatre’s basement had, it turned out, been only a taste of things to come, and the planet’s major cities were now teeming with the creatures.

As Dante Corsaro led his gang back towards their ship, Old Reliable, he was accosted by a downtrodden gobbo named Cook, who begged permission to tag along. Cook, by his own account, was the most famous microwave technician on Valtherus. He’d worked in nearly every one of Tin Martian’s now-doomed pubs, and he rightly suspected his career prospects now looked brighter elsewhere.

Dante knew all too well that the Strikes were short of the able bodies they’d need to make it off Valtherus alive. Jaryn was being wheeled along by George Ruddles, who definitely doesn’t have a gambling problem. He was nervously chattering away about how he’d managed to get a fiver on the chances of anything coming from Mars at a million to one, just before the local Ladbrokes brought its steel shutters down for the last time.

Tinhead, meanwhile, was currently dismantled and distributed across several Tupperware boxes, a biscuit tin and a couple of Lidl bags.

Taking Cook up on his offer was an easy call. At the very least, they’d eat well tonight. That was, of course, assuming they survived to see it.

They made it back to Old Reliable in good time, well ahead of the swarm that was clawing and feasting its way through the streets. Jaryn and Tinhead were safely stowed aboard, and the crew stepped back outside to begin their rigorous, Health and Safety Executive-compliant risk assessment pre-flight protocol. Unfortunately, three hours into the process, the brood finally caught up with them, and it would take one more fight to the death before they could board the ship and leave Valtherus behind for good.

Swarm’s Eye View

The six able-bodied Strikes were Dust, Tace, Skully, Ruddles, Dante and Cook, the latter borrowing Jaryn’s shotgun for his baptism of fire while Jaryn himself sat this one out in the sick bay, again. They were outnumbered two to one against no fewer than twelve Swarm Brood.

It went badly before it went well. Dante found himself dragged into a brawl, though he dispatched his attacker with the but of his pistol. Tace and Dust did the early damage from range, but for every creature that dropped, another two seemed to take its place, and it wasn’t long before the whole line was overrun.

Dante was the first to fall, swarmed by two at once and finally brought down after taking one of them with him. Ruddles went next, and then Tace, surrounded and beaten into submission after holding his ground for as long as he could. That left Dust, Cook and Skully to finish what six had started, and finish it they did, right down to the last creature, which took Skully with it in one final, mutual exchange.

Twelve dead, and only Dust and Cook still standing to see it.

Butcher’s Bill

There’s no pay, loot or reward for fighting your way off an invaded world, so it was straight into counting the cost. Dante came away with nothing worse than a headache. Tace wasn’t so fortunate, badly hurt enough that he’ll be out of action for a good while yet. Skully didn’t make it, suffering a fate so gruesome that even his infantry laser was smashed to bits. Then came word that George Ruddles hadn’t survived either. Two of the Lucky Strikes, gone in one afternoon. Rest in peace, Skully and Ruddles.

Somewhere in the chaos, a spare med patch went completely unused; one of them might have made it through unscathed with a bit more presence of mind. Lesson noted for next time, probably.

That leaves the roster at six, with Jaryn and Tace both out of action and Tinhead due back on his feet next campaign turn. Valtherus itself remains contested, no surprise given the fight that had just been fought over it.

The crew renegotiated some old debts on the way out, chipping the ship’s balance down to eleven credits, while Dante’s concealed blade picked up a fault of its own, the latest addition to a growing pile of things nobody’s got round to fixing. Filed away for later: a personal trinket that might yet turn up a payday on a future world, a rumour to spend care of some handy local maps, and a certain delivery job that Dante and Jaryn still need to squeeze in – quite literally.

All in all, a brutal round. But now, at least we can regroup and rebuild, right?

Well, not quite…

Uninvited Guests

The battered and bleeding remnants of the Lucky Strikes fight their way onto Old Reliable and seal the doors, only to find the ship being robbed by a gang of opportunistic raiders.

This ragtag band of lowlifes have been hired by a wealthy collector to steal a prized possession of Dante’s: the stubbornly attached lavalier mic used by Maurice Gibb on that infamous episode of The Clive Anderson Show in 1997. Dante won the item in an eBay auction a few years back, but it seems a rival collector has one final bid left in him.

One rare piece of good news: Dante is back on his feet after the swarm brood showdown, and it seems Jaryn had the gumption to bolt Tinhead back together while the battle raged on outside.

The four Strikes members who can still walk face a gang of raiders who’ve been told they’re free to keep anything else they can find. That means everything is at stake here: their credits, their stash, and whatever’s left of their dignity.

Seven raiders, armed with colony rifles, against four remaining crew who’ve barely had time to catch their breath. Everything the Lucky Strikes have left is on the table. Find out how they fare next time.

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Turn five opens with a full complement for the first time, seven crew members on the books and two credits of upkeep to keep them fed, watered, and entertained. There’s still cash to spare though, with eight credits going towards the ship’s debt, taking it down to a much healthier sixteen. A couple more credits fund spare parts for Tinhead, who manages to successfully repair a marksman’s rifle.

But not every task goes so smoothly. Dante heads out to explore and ends up in a pub brawl with a staunch Clive Anderson supporter, culminating in the Strikes adding a third rival to the list.

George Ruddles fares even worse, revealing (or denying) a gambling problem that costs the crew an item from the stash. On the plus side, he also picks up a promising tip-off on the 14:30 at Newton Abbott.

Trading goes better, turning up starship repair parts, spare fuel credits and a set of local maps that might come in handy on a future world. Skully rounds out the turn with a trip to the gym for a spot of experience and a protein shake.

The patron job comes from the corporate patron picked up last time. The danger payroll is a disappointing two credits, must be done this turn, no benefits, no hazards, just demanding conditions. So what’s the story here?

Gibb Me Strength

Dante Corsaro struggled to hide his surprise when the Lucky Strikes’ new corporate patron turned out to be the owners of the most famous theatre on Valtherus.

The source of their trouble, it turns out, is two rival Bee Gees tribute bands, Gibb Me Strength and Les Tossers.

To celebrate Barry Gibb’s birthday – which is a public holiday on Valtherus – the two acts had submitted applications to perform a commemorative concert at the venue. Les Tossers were given the go-ahead, and Gibb Me Strength were furious.

In fact, the spurned trio were so angry that they broke into the theatre’s sub-basement and decanted a nest of swarm brood eggs. Those eggs have since hatched, and their former occupants now stand a full foot taller than your average human.

Unless the theatre management can find someone stupid or desperate enough to go down there and attempt to kill them for money, Les Tossers won’t be performing on Barry Gibb’s birthday. And should any of these lethal aliens escape from the arena’s underbelly, the entire population of Valtherus would be in grave danger.

It’s the Lucky Strikes’ most lethal mission yet. And after a run of relatively good luck, it’s hard to see this ending well for Dante and the lads. They’ll have to kill every single one of them to earn their pay.

And aside from that, it’s all just about Stayin’ Alive.

The Battle

The Strikes just want to get in and out as quickly as possible, and they manage to seize the initiative for the first time in the campaign, though the early shooting is dreadful across the board.

It takes a few turns to do any damage. Jaryn, back from the sick bay, gets a shot at the swarm brood queen and fluffs it, but redeems himself moments later in a brutal exchange that kills the queen even as it takes him down, too.

As the aliens close to point-blank range, the fighting turns increasingly desperate. Dust falls, Tinhead ends up surrounded and is eventually taken out as well, leaving Tace, Skully and Ruddles to finish the job. It’s Tace who ultimately proves the star of the show, picking off four of the creatures at close range with his machine pistol and finishing the fight virtually single-handedly.

Despite three casualties, the crew hold the field and wipes out every last one of the swarm brood.

Post-battle brings six credits from the job and danger pay, plus three more from battlefield scrap. The bad news follows quickly: a roll on the invasion table confirms Valtherus has now been overrun. The crew must attempt to flee the planet next turn, regardless of what else happens.

Injuries prove kinder than expected. Tinhead needs just one turn of repairs, Dust walks away unscathed, though Jaryn is looking at another three turns in the sick bay. Experience points are shared around generously, with Ruddles and Tace both picking up useful skill upgrades. A campaign event even offers up a potential seventh recruit for next time, too.

Turn five closes with eighteen credits, three rivals, three patrons, and a planet crawling with xenomorphs that the Lucky Strikes are more than ready to leave behind.

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Turn four opens with the usual admin, a credit for crew upkeep and three more chipping away at the ship’s debt, now down to twenty-three. The bigger news is a new recruit. A story point is spent bringing George Ruddles, the recently liquidated founder of Ruddles Asset Recovery, into the fold as a seventh crew member. It’ll cost an extra credit in upkeep each turn, but with six crew members rarely all available at once, it looks like a fair trade.

New recruit George Ruddles (right), a keen amateur mycologist

Trading continues the crew’s proud tradition of hauling home broken junk, this time a batch of combat drugs somehow ruined in transit. There’s better luck on the repair front though, with the infantry laser fixed up and handed to Skully, and med patches free up Jaryn for another mission.

The Sticky Tables Have Turned

A cloud of synthetic blueberry-scented mist swirls around Dante Corsaro as he draws on his vape and nudges Dust Kallas in the ribs.

“This is the part where he calls them tossers”, chuckles Corsaro, pointing to the grainy footage on his phone.

They’re about to watch Barry Gibb storming off The Clive Anderson Show on the 30th October 1997, when a LinkedIn notification suddenly pops up on his screen.

Dante is shocked to see he’s been tagged in a post by Ruddles Asset Recovery founder and CEO George Ruddles. In this verbose and self-aggrandising post (which was obviously written with the aid of ChatGPT), Ruddles declares it’s “the end of an era” for his business, and that he’s “excited to see what comes next”.

Dante has a message from Ruddles, too. “Any jobs going mate?” asks the former bounty-hunting entrepreneur, devoid of any preamble. Ruddles Asset Recovery, it turns out, folded within hours of the LinkedIn post – Ruddles is, in his own words, “between ventures.”

Dante gazes round the room at his battered and bruised crew, takes another draw on his vape, and gets his thumbs working on a reply.

Two days later, Corsaro and Ruddles sit side by side in a nearby pub, across the table from three half-drunk pints of cheap ale, and a very wealthy prospective patron.

“It’s a shame the government don’t have any more work for you, Corsaro”, says Tin Martian, leaning forwards in his chair. “But I have plenty.”

“It’s time for Doctor Blight to get a house call he won’t forget”, continues the lion-maned licensee.

Dr Blight outside his country manor house

By the time the pints are empty, the deal’s done. George Ruddles has a new job, the Lucky Strikes have a new gun, and Tin Martian’s empty pubs have never felt closer to full.

The mission is Eliminate, with Blight himself not-so-randomly selected as the target, protected by his own hired militia, the ‘Doctor’s Orders’. Deployment conditions leave the crew caught off guard, all acting in the slow phase come round one, a neat bit of irony given they were meant to be catching Blight by surprise. Dante obviously didn’t expect the Doctor to have company.

The Doctor’s Orders defend Blight’s rotting log at all costs

The battle is tense from the start. Blight’s rattle gun stuns Skully early, and a flamer specialist nearly catches Dante and Tace before Dante guns him down first. Ruddles and Jaryn claim a hilltop position, Dante grabs a valuable stash of loot in the open centre ground, and the pressure mounts on Blight’s remaining troops. A dangerous moment arrives when Blight wounds Jaryn twice with the rattle gun, only for two stim packs to keep him standing. Moments later, Dust lands the shot that matters, killing Dr Blight outright.

A comfortable victory looks assured until a stray shot drops Dante at the very last moment. Jaryn finishes the job, cleaning up the last of the militia and securing the win, but it’s a damp way to end a mission that had gone almost entirely to plan.

The rewards are the best the crew has seen yet, thirteen credits between mission pay, danger money and loot, plus a frag vest and a lead on a new corporate patron.

Dante, meanwhile, should be dead. An eleven on the injury table spells death outright, saved only by his last remaining luck point!

Turn four closes with twenty-two credits, three patrons, two rivals, two story points, and a captain who’s used up his last stroke of good fortune.

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If you enjoy these Five Parces From Home Diaries, they’re just a brief summary compared to the podcast version you can listen to on the Bedroom Battlefields Patreon.

Still on Valtherus, and still finding plenty of reasons to stick around, turn three opens with a bit of housekeeping. A credit goes on crew upkeep, two more chip away at the ship’s debt, and four credits fund repairs to get Tinhead back on his feet before the next fight.

With Colt gone, the crew can recruit a free replacement without any tests or rolls. Enter Skully, a new face with a grudge of his own, more on that shortly.

New recruit Skully – scourge of TripAdvisor

Trading, as ever, produces a haul of almost entirely broken equipment, including a mysterious ‘hot shot’ pack nobody’s had the chance to identify yet. Jaryn, still recovering in the sick bay, gets a bonus action thanks to a strong roll from the previous turn and heads out to socialise, though he fails to turn the resulting chat into a story point. No matter, there are story points to spare this turn: one sold for three credits, one spent boosting Jaryn’s combat skill to a respectable three, and one more spent giving Dante a second task. That last one sends him out exploring, where he picks up a rather unfortunate side gig as a drug mule for a future delivery job.

And speaking of jobs…

The Valtherian sector government has just declared its seventeenth pandemic of the year – nothing to do with Dr Blight, as always, according to the man himself, who has already released a statement condemning “baseless android conspiracy theories.”

Amid the chaos, the government has offered the Lucky Strikes an urgent contract to assist with outbreak management. This is the kind of job nobody sane volunteers for, which makes the Strikes exactly qualified.

But they won’t get the chance. While the crew are grounded at Cinderdock – a sagging, half-condemned patch of tarmac that generously calls itself a spaceport – Ruddles Asset Recovery tracks them down and hits them while they’re enjoying a few beers and listening to Barry Gibb’s 1984 solo album, New Voyager.

The Strikes are, on balance, fine with this. Their last encounter with Ruddles Asset Recovery cost them a crewmate: Colt Narro, shot dead during the Sludge Basin job. Captain Dante Corsaro had planned to pay these goons a visit soon anyway, so he’s more than happy to have them come round to his place.

The Lucky Strikes prepare to host Ruddles Asset Recovery

Colt’s replacement is a new recruit calling himself Skully, who reached out to the Lucky Strikes after the Sludge Basin job, thanking them for getting one over on Ruddles Asset Recovery. Turns out Skully has been getting bothered by them ever since he left one of Tin Martian’s pubs a bad review on TripAdvisor. Now, he’ll have the opportunity to review these bounty hunters – through the scope of his gun.

A toxic environment condition raises the stakes, any crew member left stunned risks becoming a casualty outright. The battle opens badly, Dust is shot down almost immediately, but Tinhead evens the score by taking out the enemy lieutenant. Momentum swings back and forth, Tinhead falls too, and Skully is stunned and forced to roll against the toxic air, passing by the skin of his teeth. Eventually the Lucky Strikes claw their way to victory, closing the fight in melee.

Post-battle, RAR finally have enough and drop off the rivals list, though the failed government contract costs the crew that patron in return. Both Tinhead and Dust, despite being shot down, walk away with barely a scratch. Loot includes a useful ship parts discount and a personal trinket, while Skully earns a little extra cash on the side during his debut, along with the crew’s respect.

Turn three ends on fifteen credits, two patrons, two rivals, and three story points, the healthiest the Lucky Strikes have looked so far. It probably won’t last.

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Getting off Frenavos was never optional, and turn two opens with Old Reliable burning six credits in fuel just to relocate. There’s a brief scare when Tinhead, still smitten with the last planet, needs a story point spent to drag him aboard, though a lucky “time to reflect” roll hands that point straight back. No harm done.

The new destination is Valtherus, a world with no licence requirement and a thriving bot manufacturing scene, meaning cheaper upgrades for Tinhead down the line. Both rivals from Frenavos follow the crew here, Directive Zero among them, so the heat is far from off.

With Tinhead, Jaryn and Tace all still out of action, only three crew members are fit for tasks. Dante volunteers himself as a decoy to throw off the pursuing rivals, while Dust and Colt head out looking for patrons and strike gold, turning up not one but two. The standout is a job from the Valtherian sector government, and thanks to Dante’s decoy trick, the rivals fail to track the crew down, clearing the way to take it on.

The Job

The owner of a popular chain of budget pubs on Valtherus has blamed a recent spate of plagues on the government’s chief epidemiologist, Dr Septimus Blight.

Tin Martian, “the Android Alehouse Keeper,” claims Blight isn’t curing the plagues – he’s causing them, and in doing so has devastated the planet’s once-booming hospitality industry.

Dr Septimus Blight and Friends

Though these allegations have been vehemently denied by the Valtherian government, Tin Martian may finally have found his smoking gun. The flustered Dr Blight recently left a briefcase of important documents in a particularly unpleasant area the locals refer to as “the Sludge Basin.”

It is unclear what business Blight had in the Sludge Basin, though he has since claimed it’s part of his role as patron of a sick rats’ charity.

Martian has hired the notorious Ruddles Asset Recovery Corporation to obtain the briefcase from the toxic sump. The Valtherian government haven’t been so lucky in their quest to hire anyone stupid enough to accompany Blight back down there to retrieve his property. In the end, they’ve had to put their faith in a beleaguered gang of fugitives called the Lucky Strikes. Or what’s left of them, anyway.

So will it be last orders for Dr Blight, or can the Lucky Strikes get him safely into a taxi before it all kicks off outside the chippy?

Colt Narro (left) was the first of the gang to die

The mission type is Protect, escorting the unarmed Dr Blight to the centre of the table. With only three crew fit to fight against five bounty hunters, the odds look grim, but the plan holds: Dante draws fire in the middle while Dust and Colt work the flanks. Dante proves surprisingly handy in a brawl with his duelling pistol, dropping the enemy lieutenant, while Dust picks off their specialist with a lucky rifle shot.

Ruddles Asset Recovery

It’s not without cost. Colt, drawn out of cover chasing two bounty hunters, is gunned down. But Blight reaches the centre of the table, grabs his briefcase, and holds it long enough to win the mission. Dante finishes the fight in style, throwing a concealed blade to finish off the stunned specialist.

Aftermath

The post-battle sequence brings mixed news. Ruddles Asset Recovery, humiliated, becomes a third rival, but the Valtherian sector government signs on as a patron in return. Sadly, Colt doesn’t survive his wounds, the campaign’s first proper casualty, though his death opens a free recruitment slot for the next turn. Dante and Dust both pick up enough experience to improve their combat skills.

Turn two closes with eleven credits, three patrons, three rivals, and a growing sense that this world isn’t done with the Lucky Strikes yet. Rest in peace, Colt.

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If you enjoy these Five Parces From Home Diaries, they’re just a brief summary compared to the podcast version you can listen to on the Bedroom Battlefields Patreon.

Every good outlaw story needs a prison break, and that’s exactly how the Lucky Strikes begin. Led by ex-crime lord Dante Corsaro, this ragtag crew of five humans and one battered security bot has just busted out of a penal colony aboard a stolen ex-mining ship, generously named Old Reliable. It’s a fuel hog, it’s seen better days, and it’s about to become home.

Tinhead and Dante Corsaro

The bot in question is Tinhead, who came bundled with the ship as a sort of unwanted extra. He’s about to become the star of this opening entry for all the wrong reasons.

Starting cash is thin. Ten credits and two rivals already on the books before anyone’s fired a shot. The crew touch down on a world called Frenavos and immediately need a licence to operate, six credits’ worth, thankfully covered by one of Dante’s forged IDs. Then comes the sting: an interdiction means they’ve only got two campaign turns here before they’re forced to move on. Fitting, really, for a gang of fugitives who can’t stay anywhere too long.

Sending the crew off to trade, train and explore throws up a funny situation. Tinhead is sent out to explore and gets lost. Twice. By the time he’s found for the second time, he’s apparently fallen in love with the place and doesn’t want to leave, meaning a story point will be needed just to drag him back onto the ship later.

Then it’s straight into the first proper battle, and it does not go well. The crew are ambushed by Directive Zero, a squad of cyborg bounty hunters sent by the prison company to bring them back. Six tough, shotgun-toting cyborgs against a Lucky Strikes crew that starts the fight with only three members on the table thanks to a brutal deployment roll. Two more arrive late as reinforcements, but by then the damage is already done.

Directive Zero

A promising start, taking out one cyborg early, quickly unravels. Tace and Dust are both shot down in short order, followed by Jaryn and Tinhead. Dante’s left standing alone against five armoured cyborgs and does the only sensible thing: legs it off the table.

A comprehensive defeat, but Five Parsecs rarely lets a loss go unrewarded. Four credits turn up from somewhere (perhaps a sympathetic passerby), plus a lucky cargo crate worth six more. The medical bills tell a rougher story, though. Tinhead needs two turns of repairs, Jaryn picks up crippling wounds and three turns in the sick bay, and Dust’s weapon is wrecked, replaced with a cheap shotgun in the meantime.

The campaign event twists the knife: stay on this world any longer and another rival gets added to the list. As if the crew needed more reasons to get off Frenavos.

Turn one closes with eleven credits, two rivals, five story points, and a crew held together with not much more than sticking plasters and bad luck. Old Reliable is about to earn its keep.

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If you enjoy these Five Parces From Home Diaries, they’re just a brief summary compared to the podcast version you can listen to on the Bedroom Battlefields Patreon.