As the door closes on my first Five Parsecs From Home campaign, I’m excitedly prepping for my first playthrough of its fantasy sister title, Five Leagues From the Borderlands.
The first step is to swap out some terminology. It’s not a crew now; it’s a warband. Though in this instance, it was intended to be more of a party.
Because how could I not build that warband around Bedroom Battlefields community mascot, Jeff, the wandering wizard?
And what better reason to assemble a band of brothers around Jeff than to celebrate his stag do?
It’s impossible to tell where or when Jeff will be tying the knot. But we can safely assume there’s at least one version of him out there right now gearing up for the big day. And you can’t have that big day without first going out for a couple of pints with the lads.
But in true Jeff fashion, nothing has gone to plan. They have a table for six reserved in Bugman’s Bar, but Jeff’s “book six seater taxi” spell has failed somewhat spectacularly, and the party finds themselves transported to an unknown location in the bleak wilderness.
The big picture goal is to get to the pub in time for their booking. But they may face a more immediate challenge of staying alive. With that said, there seems to be the opportunity to gather some gold, glory, and adventure in the process. It could make for some great post-dinner speeches at the wedding, assuming they survive.
The warband (or, party)
So, who are the six members of my warband heading into the first campaign turn? Let’s introduce them.
Jeff (Avatar/Mystic)
The man, the legend. This multiverse-spanning character (a print of the original 1995 Warhammer Quest wizard) pops up everywhere trouble is found, finding himself lost on sprawling 24ft by 6ft tables, turning monarchs into mallards, or stepping through portals into the goblin green-coloured future of the 41st millennium. He’s getting married. But first, he just really wants a pint with the boys.
Grubb (Hero)
This sinister-looking ranger is Jeff’s best man, as well as his odd jobs man. Grubb is top of the list if Jeff ever needs anyone murdered, intimidated, or interrogated. However, he’s also a keen interior designer and passionate believer in feng shui. Jeff regularly hires him to arrange the living rooms in his tower, and the tower’s east wing is, as a result, extremely well balanced energetically, if a little heavy on water features.
Hector (Hero)
A few years ago, Jeff was ambushed by highwaymen on a quiet country road. Amused, he cast “delete clothes” on their leader, a large burly chap with a spear. It was a bitterly cold afternoon, and his colleagues didn’t much fancy the look. They scattered back into the trees, leaving their leader standing there holding one very large weapon, and staring down open-mouthed at one pitifully small one.
Jeff thought little more of it as he rode off, laughing to himself. That was, until last year. The same man – still naked as the day he was born – turned up at Jeff’s tower to beg for him to “lift the curse”. Apparently, Jeff’s spell had (surprise surprise) gone a bit wrong, and the man had never since been able to put on so much as a sock without it immediately vanishing into the ether.
Of course, Jeff had no idea how to fix this, so he convinced the man to rebrand himself as an exiled tribal chieftain from Albion. It was, frankly, an appalling solution, but the pair couldn’t think of any better ideas. Jeff felt a bit guilty about the whole thing and agreed to hire “Hector”.
Certainly, no one else would.
Goatsy (Hero)
Goatsy is a beastman outcast who was excommunicated by his herd.
It all started when he found a mysterious eldritch wood carving of two huge hands pulling open a vast portal. Baffled, he showed a few of his friends, who seemed to visibly reel in horror at the image.
Goatsy initially found this reaction annoying and frustrating. He couldn’t get anyone to tell him what was wrong. They simply didn’t want to look at it. They even went as far as to call him “disgusting”, and chide him for “taking it too far”.
But eventually, he began to have fun with it. He’d hide the carving in caves, crates, and burlap sacks.
“Hey, Krull, pass me a femur to gnaw on” he piped up with a smirk one evening. Krull howled in outrage as he pulled the carving out of the bone pile.
The next day, Goasty was summoned in front of the herd’s head of HR and informed that his services were no longer required. That afternoon, Jeff found him sitting miserably by the side of a road. He asked him if everything was okay, and Goatsy told him the full story.
“Can I see the carving?” Jeff asked.
With trepidation, Goatsy held it out for him. Jeff howled with laughter, and said, “You’d better come with me, son.”
Baffies (Follower)
Baffies is a disgraced former court jester who turned out to be a notorious serial killer and cannibal. He’d entertain his Lord’s guests with feats of juggling, firebreathing, and side-splitting comedy routines. Then, he’d drug their wine and eat them for his supper.
One evening, Jeff found himself dining at this particular manor. He was enjoying the entertainment immensely, though the events of the day were clearly catching up with him. He felt groggy, and excused himself to retire to his room, barely making it to bed before falling into a deep sleep.
He awoke some hours later to find himself lying on an old butcher’s slab in some dank chamber in the servant’s quarters. He looked up to see a shocked-looking jester wearing a bib, and holding a knife and fork in his hands.
The pair had a right good laugh about it, and have been close friends ever since.
Harkel (Follower)
Harkel is a troubled former soldier turned cauliflower farmer. In the midst of a particularly depressing midlife crisis, he decided to shut up shop and travel north to the chaos wastes, inspired by the sudden drive to become a greater daemon.
He almost got there, too. In fact, it was on the very fringes of those warp-addled lands where Harkel bumped into Jeff, coming the other way. Jeff was shoeless, eating a bucket of fried chicken, and his beard was slightly smouldering as if it had recently been on fire.
“I just met you in sixty years”, said Jeff, as if they were two neighbours passing one another in the street. “Doesn’t end well for you. A particularly woeful-looking spawn…”
If Harkel had thought Jeff as mad as a box of frogs, he’d have been right. But something in Jeff’s eyes told him he was right, too.
Jeff put an arm around Harkel and led him away, back south towards civilisation.
Just like my Five Parces From Home Diaries, I’ll be documenting my Five Leagues campaign in podcast form on the Bedroom Battlefields Patreon!